As an adult, you have left the confinement of your parent’s place and can make your own decisions without their influence. However, you might be wondering if it’s worth telling them if anything has changed in your life. Or it might be best to keep quiet. This all depends on the relationship with your parents and whether or not, you should tell them about anything going on in your life.
My Input
As your own adult, I have zero right to tell you what you should and should not tell your parents. This is all dependent on how comfortable you are about sharing things with your parents. However, as someone who has held several things from her parents (until the very last minute) my input is purely based on my experience.
Disclaimer
If you have chosen to cut off your parents, then you do you. You have made that choice and whether or not you choose to break the “no contact” thing between you is your choice.
Now that’s clear, let’s begin:
Why might you choose to withhold or tell?
Ok, everyone has different relationship dynamics with their parents/caregivers. I am not here to give a one stop answer, but I will give my thought process which might help you think about whether it applies to you or not.
Choose to tell:
You might have an open relationship with people, and so it makes sense to tell them stuff. Especially your parents. My friendships are very open, and my friends all get informed of my life updates. This is because, they can give their criticism whilst appreciating that I am my own independent person. They will also open the conversation for giving advice (if necessary) and will speak their truth when they think it’s worth me hearing it. I love my friendships for that reason, as I feel heard, and also feel I can trust them to give their honest opinion, with minimal judgement.
If this is resembled in your relationship with parents/care givers, then that’s lovely for you. Tell them whatever you to tell them.
Withhold to tell:
For any reason that you see fit, you do not feel comfortable sharing anything with people, including your parents. Maybe you have experienced criticism for your decisions and choices before. Or you have seen how they respond to others, and you felt uncomfortable. Either way, you do not feel happy, safe or ok with telling them stuff. And that is perfectly fine. It might not even be just parents; it might be a number of people. I hope you have a safe space with someone, because having someone trustworthy to talk to, is handy. But it does not have to be a relative or a friend or anyone who knows you. People say, ‘Strangers are easier to talk to’. A therapist can be a stranger. Either way, it’s best to work with what suits you.
How I decide to tell:
Like I mentioned before, I tend to tell my parents things at the very last minute. This is because they sometimes express a very negative opinion, even if it’s something that excites me. I get, that they are concerned for my choice, but also as an adult they should try to trust that I have done my due diligence. I don’t make on the spur decisions, that have previously resulted in them having to save me. I have always handled things myself, so it feels like they don’t trust my judgment. And sometimes, I don’t want to hear it, so I don’t tell them.
I moved house, and they didn’t know until I had settled into the new building. My dad didn’t know I threw a birthday party until the week before, and did not know I was flying to Italy until the night before.
Some people grow up to be friends with their parents, but that hasn’t happened for me. And that’s fine, I don’t need that nor want it. And since they are not my friends, they don’t need to know the level of detail of things that my friends do, and that works for me. It’s a difficult thing to decide what boundaries you set with yourself and your parents. They raised you with minimal boundaries and basically full access to your life, and suddenly you set up the walls. The only thing I can say is, to do what makes you comfortable.
Plot twist
I have not always been so secretive, I used to tell my parents my plans, just because I wanted them to know. Sometimes, I’d ask for advice. It’s ok for the plan to change. Now, whenever I have news, I think if it’s worth sharing. Like my parents don’t need to know that I went for a day trip somewhere, within the country. Or know what I had for dinner at a restaurant. But I will tell them when I’m coming to visit and anything I think is worth their knowledge. I update it as I go, and that’s ok. You can change your mind. You are in control of what you are willing to share with them
TL;DR
- As an adult, I can’t and I won’t tell you what to do with yourself, but I gave you some of my experience, and how it works for me.
- It’s not easy to make the choice to share or hide information from your parents
- You do what works for you, and it’s ok to change your mind and update things as they go.
- I am not condoning shutting down and not telling anyone ANYTHING. It’s still good to have a safe space to share, it just doesn’t have to be your parents (now that you’re an adult)
