This is a tough one. I’m still trying to figure this out, so there will be more posts on this topic. However, since embarking on this adulting journey, I have embarked on a mental well being journey, that I didn’t know I needed to have.
When did things seem off?
My whole life things have felt weird, but I just thought it was my personality and my identity. I thought media was representing what life would be like, so when my life wasn’t copying it, it must have meant something was wrong with me. Then I would feel like I never felt enough, and just assumed that, that was my life.
I wanted to do things with my life, but I was always being held back by what I thought was my conscience. Telling me that ‘it would be a waste of time’ and ‘people would be unimpressed if they knew I did it’. Honestly, there are people in my life who still do comment, that I have changed, and they don’t seem happy about it. I realise now, that I am living as my true identity and personality. I had been severely people pleasing my whole life, and now that these people are no longer getting the me, they wanted, they are disappointed.
So, I have taken a series of steps, to keep myself from falling into the behaviours of my past. I don’t want to go back to being that girl, that everyone in my past knows. I want to be the me, I should have been the whole time. And whilst I figure out how to completely integrate my true self in my life now, I have to keep myself mentally well, to keep me secure and grounded, and away from the cliff edge, of falling back into the people pleasing mentality.
Space
Weirdly enough, I have been living my life, in my space since the pandemic started. But I didn’t start utilising my space for me, until February 2022. I don’t need people in my space. I am happy being an introvert, who get’s her energy from within. Being in my space, really helps me to stay mentally well, so I tend to do it quite a bit.
In my space, I do whatever I want to be comfortable and feel safe. That can literally be anything. Sometimes I create future blog posts, or create content for my Instagram. Sometimes, all I want to do is watch TV and do nothing. These things utilise my creativity. I love to create things, and use technology to enhance my designs. Sometimes I wonder, if I wasn’t directed into STEM, I might have been a graphic designer. Who knows?
Be active
Now, for the first 21 years of my life, I hated the idea of going to a gym. I was so self-conscious about my body, and I hated how gym attire, was always so tight fitting. I eventually lost my weight, but I still didn’t go to the gym. For 18 years I did dance. My mother also put me through gymnastics, acrobatics and swimming. These things kept me fit until the pandemic.
In my last year of university, I didn’t want to take part in any exercise societies, but my physical health was dire. Thankfully, my accommodation had a private gym, and barely anyone used it. So, I went and started using a couple of the machines. I was introduced to exercising this way by someone, and keeping track with them, meant I held myself accountable. When I started noticing progress, I got more confident, especially when people complemented me.
Now, living on my own I love going to the gym. I’ve started to push myself so much more, and I love seeing the results. Also, those endorphins really do come out and make you feel amazing. It got to a point though, that I needed cardio, and I hate running. That is something I stand by. My lung capacity is bad. So, I found a sport that hides cardio with fun, and that’s gymnastics for me. I loved it as a child, but had to let it go for dance. Now, I have re-pursued it, and I love it.
Hiding exercise in a fun activity, encourages me to keep going because I enjoy it. It’s not a chore. I’m not thinking “Oh, I have to go to gymnastics or to the gym”. I get so excited to go. And sometimes, I can’t attend because of other commitments or injury, and I genuinely feel upset. Also, gymnastics has the social aspect, and everyone there, hypes each other up, and we have the best of time throwing ourselves off apparatus.
Therapy
If you have been contemplating starting it; Do it! I really can’t say anymore, we all need it even though you might think you don’t, trust me you do. I started therapy in May, and things have been brought to the surface, and addressed, that I didn’t know needed to be brought up. All that frustration, that anger, the resentment, it gets an outlet and it’s heard. That’s all I needed, to be heard. Since I spent over 22 years hiding my emotions, and living for everyone else, other than myself, I’m going to be going for a while. But I made the start and that’s the best thing I could do for myself.
My mental wellness is so much better, now that I am addressing the silenced emotions. It’s like my mind has more space to enjoy every day. You don’t need to do it weekly. It can be pricey, so twice a month, or once a month is fine. Give yourself what you need, nothing is more important than your mental well-being.
Moral of my story:
- Does something feel off? – Don’t ignore it, let it be heard. People can notice your physical well-being, but you are the person to notice your mental well-being. Don’t ignore yourself
- What do you need in your space? – Do you need people, or animals or plants? Fill your space with what makes you comfortable and safe. When your safe on the outside, it gives room to explore what’s on the inside
- Are you active? – You don’t need to do a sport. Going for a walk in the town centre, through the library, or park will do wonders. Get yourself moving, you will be amazed how different you will feel with some movement.
- Do you have assistance? – Therapy is someone assisting you with your mental wellness. If you have a friend, you’re comfortable with, and they are ok with it, then you can talk to them. An external perspective will help. Give that inner voice the chance to be heard
