I remember younger me being so excited to grow up and being perceived by others as an ‘adult’. I can officially say, it has taken me 4 years of adulting (since finishing university – not turning 18), before my parents have started seeing me as an adult. It’s been a long time coming, but I have learnt that as much as becoming an adult is a hard transition, personally, it’s a difficult transition for parents and family too. So, in hindsight, I have seen how and when I reached turning points with my parents, and now these tips can help you change anyone’s perceptions on your adulthood.
Gently show your adult independence
For people who have watched you grow up, they have seen you be dependant on others. It’s worse for people who haven’t seen you in a long time, because it’s like they mentally have you stunted at a young age. First things first, you need to gently show your independence.
The reason I say gently, is because it’s all going to be a shock to anyone. If they are people you like, it’s nice to give them the sweet gentle introduction to your independence. If you don’t like them, then shock them however you see fit.
You can show independence in a series of ways, that don’t require you having to move out (though moving out might be an obvious one):
- Get a driver’s licence (if you didn’t have one)
- Gain some financial education (investing, savings etc)
- Travel alone or with friends
- Explore your local area alone
- Take responsibility of your expenses (clothes, food, rent)
- Take care of yourself on your own
My experience
One thing that worried me when I first started this journey, was that I thought my parents taught me everything. So, I thought I couldn’t show them that I was becoming my own self-sufficient person. I was wrong. My parents did teach me some basics, but they didn’t stay with the times. So, I started to show my growth. I didn’t visit much, but I kept them informed of important things. I travelled and explored and moved house a couple of time, and sorted out my finances and educated them on it. Now my mother trusts me with managing her money sometimes.
I have built their trust in being able to function without their input (like a true completion of raising a child to be a contributing adult in society). To be honest though, I didn’t involve them that much in my growing up. They just had to deal with the upgrades I gave them. Was that gentle? I could have been gentler, but it needed to be done. During those first 3 years, I really felt like they couldn’t take me seriously. So, I kept them at a distance, and controlled when they could get the updates from me.
Initiate occasional visits/plans
As a child, I would always go travelling with my parents and we would meet other relatives or friends. I wouldn’t know that was happening until we got there. They created those plans and I turned up. As an adult, they don’t have to involve me in as much of their own plans, so I don’t go. It was great at first. My life was quiet, and I finally felt like I was getting the space I craved for so long. But then, it started to feel too quiet. Keeping relationships as an adult requires work to be input, no matter how low maintenance they are. And that’s where initiating comes in.
My adult example
A few family members have moved to the UK in recent years. I wasn’t raised around them or knew of their existence. On May bank holiday of 2023, I decided to visit one of those relatives, with my mother and sister. This relative was my mum’s niece (I think). I messaged her and we planned a visit, for which I called my mum, told her that I had planned for her to visit her niece, and that I will come with her, and she was impressed.
She said, “I didn’t even know you two talked, this is lovely”. As a ‘not very social at family gatherings’ kind of person, I’m not surprised that she was shocked of this initiated contact. I have since initiated contact for so many plans, and I could see how it changed my mum’s perspective of my ability to socialise and keep relationships.
Meet their adult expectations (just a little)
People have their opinions which have formed from their upbringing. Those opinions will mean, there are some basic marks you need to achieve before you seem ‘enough to be an adult’. It’s annoying, but even though some aspects of society have progressed, other parts haven’t. This does mean, there are milestones that they would deem important, that you need to reach, for them to perceive that you’re an adult.
My experience
My parents raised me with the rule “You’re first pay cheque goes to your parents”. Now, I became an adult at the start of a cost-of-living crisis, of course I did NOT do that. Especially since I was living away from home. What I did, is go for the other thing they raised me with “The reason you have kids is to set your future plans”. I don’t think I am their retirement plan, since they seem to have those sorted, but I do treat them every once in a while.
Balloon Credit – Events by Nashe
My parents sacrificed a lot to raise my and my sister. So, as a somewhat functioning adult, I give them their reason to feel grateful for their decisions in the past. In 2023, my parents turned 50, and neither had planned to do anything to celebrate. So, my sister and I took it in our hands to plan a surprise birthday, to a Hilton Hotel and their favourite restaurant, with an update to our family portrait photos. They were amazed that we pulled it off, without them knowing, and I could see they had a newfound respect for both of us. Though, since my sister is still a university student, they knew the finances were all done by me. They witnessed their reward and realised that we knew what they had done for us. Try to tell me that doesn’t give off ‘real adult’ vibes.
In conclusion
Even though it took me 4 years to change my parent’s perspective of my adult status, it has been so worth it. Once they viewed me as an adult, they went and told their circles that I am a grown up. So, when people comment on my ‘maturity’ I got two people to vouch for me, which saves me having to prove it. I am still trying to get to grips with being perceived as an adult by my family, since it has taken so long. But in hindsight, I am so grateful of how far I have come, and I look forward to the new dynamic I will have with my family as an adult.
Too Long; Didn’t Read TLDR
- It’s a slow process to grow up – Trying to force people to see you as a grown up, is really frustrating. You put in a lot of effort, for not a lot of results, so let it unfold with time
- Show your independence – Small moves to show you no longer need their support, but prefer advice, is a good start.
- Be more intentional with time spent with them – Initiating those plans, show them that you can reach out on your own. Solidifying your independence.
- You got to meet some of those expectations – The older generations have their perceptions of a ‘grown up’. And we got to prove that we tick some of those boxes, even if it seems pointless to.
